Dr Paul, our local sex guru, looks at the first night pressures. We asked him about it.

With odes to sex and simmering love scenes plastered all over the big screen, sex has assumed a prominent status in the latter half of the twentieth century. In general, people have become more sexually aware, more open to experimentation and also, in spite of the threat of STDs, more promiscuous. Largely because of the media, expectations with regards to sex have been dangerously exploded out of orbit with reality.

In reality, few of us are blessed with the perfect body, and sex is more likely to be clumsy than choreographed! But the message is difficult to ignore, and the pressure to please and be pleased in the bedroom is now greater than ever. However, along with our newly acquired state of `sexual enlightenment` comes an expectation of perpetual fulfillment, and sadly, our expectations are all too often founded on myth.

A good sex life is good for your relationship
Dr Paul, well-known sex therapist and director of The Dr Paul Virility Medical Centre, believes a very definite correlation exists between sexual expectation and a successful marriage. "Sex is central to a good marriage," he maintains. "Not only can a good sex life enhance your relationship, it is also vital for your well-being. It is the ultimate way to express intimacy. It is a private language between two people that for many, actually transcends the physical. Sex can become almost like a spiritual connection, a way to express closeness and deep love, to have fun together. It even acts as a fantastic tension release."

The first night anticipation
However, sexual difficulty can arise in any marriage, regardless of how deeply you love each other. For many couples who are about to tie the knot, the `first night` is a defining moment in their lives. Whether they have been sexually active prior to the marriage, or have had no sexual contact whatsoever, many believe that earth-shattering fireworks are mandatory. According to Dr Paul, this is where many of the problems start.

"The bride and groom emerge from the festivities exhausted. They are usually so rushed off their feet on their wedding day that they are too tired to talk or enjoy leisurely foreplay, but they feel obliged to fulfil their conjugal rites. Under these conditions, exhilarating love-making is hardly likely, and more often leads to disappointment. If this is `the first time` their first experience of sex may become associated with intense dislike, pain and discomfort. For the bride, fear of penetration could cause a pattern to set in. Similarly, the groom may be so overcome with performance anxiety that he loses his erection."

The sexual discovery of your partner needs to be undertaken slowly, with patience and understanding. For this reason, Dr Paul advocates that couples agree not to have penetration on `the night`, but rather to get to know each other`s bodies through lengthy foreplay and loving conversation.

The honeymoon
The honeymoon, too, is riddled with expectations that can place undue pressure on the couple. Joanne, who was sexually active prior to her wedding, felt completely overwhelmed during her honeymoon. "Suddenly, `honeymoon` seemed to imply `rampant sex on tap`, which completely blew the spontaneity and passion for me."

The experience is not uncommon, and the heightened expectation often leads to disappointment. "I am so used to hearing couples confess that the honeymoon was a disaster," says Dr Paul, "I have come to believe that honeymoons should be reserved for a year later, when the couple are more comfortable with each other, more relaxed and less inhibited. While it is not a bad idea to take a short break in order to unwind from the stress of the wedding, the exotic setting can be much more passionately enjoyed when unrealistic expectations have been erased."

And honeymoons do not necessarily have to be `once-in-a-lifetime` occurrences. Dr Paul and his wife take as many short romantic breakaways as their hectic schedules will allow, and it`s quite obvious that even after fifteen years, he adores her and is extremely happily married.

Article source: LifeWorld